Numb

In 2018, I started the year feeling worn out. I was worn out from the 6+ years of staying at home with kids. It was a different kind of worn out than ever before. I felt numb. And I knew I needed something, but I didn’t know what that something was.

Being a mom has always been my dream. In fact, in the “Story of My Life” assignment from Mrs. Stogsdill’s 3rd grade class, I wrote that I just wanted to be a “plain mom.” (I hadn’t yet heard of the term “stay-at-home mom,” even though that’s what my own mom was.)

Being a mom is one of the most precious gifts. But sprinkled in with that truth are some hard seasons that feel overwhelming. That’s a tension I’ve had to learn to live in (and I’m still very much learning). I can be sad and grateful. I can be living the dream and full of unmet dreams. I can be so filled up and feel so much longing. And this isn’t just in motherhood - I think we all feel this tension in life. And in 2018, I was feeling swallowed up by all of it.

So I sat down at the piano to find words for all of these feelings. I wanted to write a song that captured this both/and nature of motherhood. That things can be both hard and wonderful, mundane and meaningful, big and small, fleeting and forever, unnoticed and important. One doesn’t negate the other. And — even though it might seem impossible in the middle of dark moments — gratitude, love, peace, and joy really do heal our hearts. In writing this song, I began to sing myself forward out of that rough patch.

Today, finishing up week 4 of this quarantine, I find myself needing to work on this balance. The first 2 weeks, I was accessing a whole lot of positive energy — making a list of goals, cleaning things, organizing rooms, creating new systems, finding joy in being shut in our home. The past 2 weeks? Not so much. I’ve sobbed, I’ve been really angry, I’ve felt that numb feeling. So, as we get ready to start week 5, I am hoping to keep moving toward balance. And I hope this song will be an encouragement to you as you do the same.

LISTEN ON SPOTIFY

“Everything is big
But everything is small
Everything feels long
But yet nothing lasts at all
It’s hard to live between
What is and what will be redeemed
I sit on the couch with my boys and my girls
And I feel like I can’t feel the way that I feel
But I sit on the couch as the weight of the world sits on me
And all I can say is this is hard
I need space
I need a break

The beauty of my life
Can feel rich and yet unknown
Bold and yet so old
Loud and yet unsung
I guess I’ll never know
Until my story’s all been told
I know that gratitude, love, peace, and joy can heal hearts
But what if they won’t heal mine?
What if I’m stuck here the way that I think and I feel
And the way that I see the world
My dreams
My life?

Oh the glory of my life
is rich and yet unknown
It’s bold and yet so old
Yes, it’s loud and yet unsung
And the only goal
Is that His story will be told, will be told

Everything is big
But everything is small
Everything feels long
But yet nothing lasts at all
It’s hard to live between
What is and what will be redeemed”