Feel It

If you know me or my story or read my old blog at any point, then you probably know that I went through a stretch of time when I dealt with anxiety. In hindsight, of course, I can see the foreshadowing. All of it was building inside of me, leading to the panic attack in 2012 which triggered the anxiety. But at the time, it seemed like it had come out of nowhere. I had no grid for it and no reference point for what was going on.

When you recover or heal from something, there is a very real and intentional decision you have to make. Either you choose to pursue healing or you don’t. Either you choose to stare the truth in the face or you don’t. Either you feel it or you don’t.

That’s where this song was birthed — in a place of choosing to feel the anxiety when it would crop up. Not mask or avoid it with other comforts or tasks. I specifically remember one evening being so anxious that I spread out in the middle of our living room floor, face down, and just cried as I felt all of it - the heart pounding, the chest burning, the mind racing.

It’s just like that children’s book many of us read growing up. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it.

It’s painful, but we have to walk through it, acknowledge it, and feel it.

As I was thinking about our current situation, this song came to mind. I wanted to share it because my hope is that we will all be able to recognize whatever truths or emotions or coping mechanisms are popping up in this season.

Have you checked in on yourself? Have you paid attention to what you’ve been doing a lot of lately — thinking, feeling, or doing? Do you find yourself moving at a frenetic pace? Are you overwhelmed and on a rollercoaster of emotions? Do you have spinning thoughts that produce anxiety? Has that been different than your normal or the same? Are you allowing truth to sink in? Are you brave enough to know yourself in these ways?
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We have an opportunity to observe ourselves nonjudgementally and, if needed, change some things, let go of some things, and choose some healthy and needed behaviors to move us forward. God is still moving and working and the Holy Spirit is still transforming us. Even in quarantine. Let yourself feel it.

“I’m asking the questions and I’m feeling the void
My wires exposed, my stories all told
I’m out in the cold and there’s no more control
The fear I’ve maintained has leapt out of its cage

But I’ll feel it, let myself feel it

I could ease it with words that don’t cut deep enough
I could settle for the cure and forfeit the chase
I could fill up the emptiness with busier things
Just keep going and moving and doing
Don’t stay in one place

But I’ll feel it, let myself feel it

And it hurts ‘cause I don’t know what to do
Because I know me more than I wanted to
So many things have to change
I can’t keep living this way
Not meeting the darkness is worse than fumbling for light

So I’ll feel it, let myself feel it”